Script Draft One ~ Feedback | Tutorial #3

We recently got feedback from Simon for out first draft of the script.

Content

The first thing he said was that is was nicely observed, but nothing really happens in terms of story. He said that it's more like the start to a 30min episode, which it shouldn't be as we need a full story - beginning middle and end - within 15mins. In order to resolve this we need to think about a proper problem to be overcome by the characters. It needs to appear early within the first 5 pages of the script, and needs to be concluded within the last 2. This leaves us roughly around 7-8 pages for developing the story along with the challenges the characters will face.
He suggested the problem being something to do with the kids as there isn't really that sense of the story in there at the moment. The characters need to want or need something in order for the audience to go along with them on the journey to solve it. A possible scene that introduces the idea of becoming famous through the cookery show or Instagram, in order to get their children's interest, might be needed to start the problem aspect of the story.

Actions/Setting 

He said that there was a good sense of what is happening and where within the action of the script, however feels we are overwriting in descriptions, and we don't need to say every single bit of action. You need to allow the reader some room for filling in on the action, as they know the general steps for most actions seen in everyday life. He also suggested adding some character within the way we write the actions, in order to emphasise the personality of the characters.

By cutting down the descriptions it will create more of a flow within the story and it will free up more space for other additional scenes carrying the problem. It also means we'll be closer to a 1 minute page format, rather than a 30 seconds to a page, which is what it feels like at the moment.

Characters

He thought the characters are really strong. They are nicely observed and he got an immediate sense of who they are in their personality and traits. However, he did emphasise not to overwrite in the descriptions, so we don't need to list the items that they are wearing. This is to make the script flow better and work tighter.

Dialogue

He is happy with the dialogue and he thinks it all works, however the characters do use each others names a lot. This makes it a little less realistic and doesn't suit normal vocabulary, so this needs to be adjusted. He feels the dialogue could be funnier or springier, so we need to look through and change a few dialogue pieces.

Formatting

He said the format of the script started ok, but then the page numbers don't match up. This is due to the fact that both me and Laura wrote the script on two separate documents, and we didn't put the two documents together digitally. This is something we will do from now on before sending the script off for another draft.

This feedback was really good for us to hear as it meant our story could develop further and it will become more interesting. Our next steps are to go through the script, change the actions and some of the dialogue, and potentially change the story slightly. We're happy with the feedback we got, and are thinking of ways to add a problem into the story.