Script Changes #2 | Development

After our feedback from Simon, myself and Laura sat together and started thinking about the two new scenes we had to add, and the improvements we had to make.

We started by adding the new teaser scenes. The first one was the social gathering, in which we decided to make it a conference room where they are celebrating the release of Marie's first or new fashion magazine. Annie & Dean were obviously invited being her parents, but they do something embarrassing and Marie tells them to get out and that she never wants to see them again.
To start this scene, I decided to write the whole scene out so I knew the whole situation and what embarrassing thing Annie & Dean were doing. I then deleted the first half of the scene, so the teaser actually started with the aftermath of the chaos. This was something that Simon suggested we do as it highlights the embarrassment Marie feels towards her parents, and it's a really good way to start the show. This scene ended up being just over 1 page.
The next scene was the bed scene that Simon suggest we add in. Instead of the scene taking place with the characters in bed, we decided it work better and feel less awkward if the scene was set in a car instead. At this point, the characters are taking about what has just happened and Annie is looking through a magazine, which is where they come with the idea of becoming young and famous. This scene is just under 1 page, making the teaser about 2 pages.

We then deleted the Claire scene, and had the clock scene before the Jordan Hamsay scene. To transition this we added a line of dialogue for Annie saying "Where's the stupid off button?" which is where she is turning Arnold around, clearly looking for the off button. Then after cutting to a scene of Dean getting his cookies out of the oven, Annie spots the film crew walking past the window and calls out to Dean to get the door. This then leads into Jordan Hamsay's scene.
Within that scene, we've added Marie's appearance just after Jordan puking, and once he's gone she expresses her disappointment about the situation. The scene then ends with both characters feeling quite defeated, but Dean not wanting to give up. We also added a newspaper effect at the end of the scene to round the whole episode to an end, and express the disappointment of Dean's failed cookies.

I think by making these changes it has given the story a little more detail and more structure, and it definitely makes the problem clearer. I do think there's still room for improvement, but we'll see what Simon says about these new changes.