Script Changes #4 | Development

After getting the script feedback from Simon, myself and Laura sat down with one another, and started working on the script together.

The first thing we did was add Annie's intro into the action on first scene.
Then we changed some of Marie's dialogue in the same scene to make it sound better and make more sense.
We also changed some of Annie's and Marie's dialogue in the third scene. Instead of saying "We just want to see the grand kids" Annie now says "We just want to see the family" to make it clear as to who Annie & Dean want to see - which is the whole family not just their children or grandchildren. For Marie she used to say "No you've got to leave now, I've got lots of famous celebrities coming in next week and I need to prepare. You will NEVER fit in with us. I should never have invited you, go home" but we changed it to "No, I've got celebrities coming in and I need to prepare. You have to go! I don't have room for ordinary anymore." We did this to keep Marie to the point, and also we thought it sounded a lot better and less wordier, meaning it will flow better.
Instead of the newspaper being thrown onto the driveway, we've changed it so Dean brushes against the newspaper, which is sticking out of the letter box, and it falls on the floor. Dean picks it up and tires to put it back into the box it came from, but gets distracted by the headline and starts to read it. We think this works a lot better now, as it is more realistic and more suited to the British public.
For Betty's wooden spoon line, we decided to get rid of the words 'wooden spoon' completely and change it to something more realistic. She now says "Ta da!" This might change when hear the actress say this line, but we think it works better, it's more realistic and we're showing not telling, which is the aim.
To clear up the robotic cat Arnold situation, we've added some dialogue to Dean. Betty asks him to take of Arnold and Dean's first reply is "Really?" in a confused way, and Betty nods oblivious to his confusion. This is a small yet effective way of showing that everyone knows it robotic but Betty.
We have changed the formatting of our scene numbers, so now all scenes are purely numbers, with no letters.
After scene 10 - after Betty leaves - we've added a new scene to work alongside the scene where they are back at Marie's house (Scene 12). It's later on in the day, and we see Dean prepping his cookies. Annie walks in and starts to pack for a picnic, and they both have a discussion as to what she is doing. The purpose of this scene is to show Annie not giving up, and also to get some more discussion in about Jean Paul (Marie's husband) being away on business and how important it is that they get their children's attention again. We think this scene is effective and works well as a Segway to the next scene.
After arriving back at their house - after scene 13 - we have changed it so the characters, especially Annie, feel defeated. Dean goes to put his cookies in the oven, and comes back to comfort Annie who is sat on the stairs feeling sorry for herself. This scene was the perfect place to show Annie being defeated and feeling like she can't do anything. We also used this scene as a good way to add more comedy within the sad tone. For example; Dean says "Well, I'm still waiting for my letter, that could turn out successful?" and Annie bursts into tears in a comical way.
We've also made it so after the oven timer goes off at, roughly, the same time as Annie spots the camera crew. Dean picks up the picnic basket and hand it to Annie, before he disappears into the kitchen attending to his cookies. Annie goes into the dining room and puts the basket down on one of the chairs. It is their that she sees the camera crew walking past the window.
Then in the last scene we've adjusted Marie's line of dialogue so it is short and snappy, which works a lot better than her saying a lot of lines. Due to the defeated scene beforehand, we changed the ending so instead of them saying defeated, Annie gets a lot of views on her Instagram video of Dean and Jordan Hamsay, and that's where they start to feel determined again. Annie says "How are we going to keep this up?" and Dean replies with "Don't worry, I've got some big ideas, trust me." and that's where the scene ends before the newspaper popping onto the screen.

We are all really happy with the outcome of this development, and we think the story is really starting to flow well and work as an episode on it's own. I think the story is a lot better than our first draft, and it all fits in with our idea.