When looking at the script, we knew there was quite a lot of changes that needed to be made, so instead of me taking one half and Laura taking the other, we decided it would be more effective if we sat down together and made the changes simultaneously.
To start with we had the teaser scenes.
We have made Annie's character seem a lot more vulnerable and granny like by having her bragging about her daughter's success and persistently offering her guests boiled sweets. In order to keep Marie's annoyance evidenced, we have one of the guests awkward complaining about Annie and her sweets, which obviously makes Marie feel annoyed at Annie. In order to add the family element to Marie's speech, Laura came up with the idea to connect the sweets with a grandchild so, one line of dialogue Marie has is "You nearly choked Violet on one of those last week!" which we both think this creates the sense that Marie has her own family.
For the next scene, we've kept the beginning of the dialogue in the car, to show that they have arrived at Marie's house to apologise.
This scene that cuts to them getting out of the car and standing outside on Marie's driveway, with Marie marching towards them in anger. In this scene we've made sure to keep Marie angry, with some short pieces of dialogue, and Annie & Dean apologetic and desperate. One of the lines we added which I really like is "You will NEVER fit in with us." which is part of the theme that is being carried throughout the whole episode. We've also added a sequence where a newspaper gets thrown on to the driveway and they see a headline saying "Retired Widow finds fame and fortune". This was a good Segway for them to come up with the idea of becoming young and famous which was an important aspect Simon wanted us to include. We really like the idea of either Annie and Dean actually saying the words 'Young & Famous', so we have added that into the end of the teaser.
When adding the element of the smart watch being a rip off, we have added, into the action and dialogue, that it's rattly to highlight the broken or rip off watch. We have also added the digital signing device into the action, as this was an aspect of modern times that we really wanted in the episode.
We've also changed some of the dialogue, so when Annie & Dean are talking about the iPad, they now call it a small computer and a PC Pad. We also thought it would be funny if Annie called Instagram something else like InstaOunce or InstaKilo.
We've added a new scene just after Betty leaves the house, which will be the point where we have an establishing shot of the house. In this scene, Annie is looking through Marie's house windows with binoculars, checking up on the family. Dean is stood eating curly wurlys and questioning Annie's actions. Marie then talks to them through the tannoy, at the gates, and tells them to leave. This is the point where Annie & Dean have a hurdle and feel defeated afterwards.
We've also added a little scene where Dean and Annie arrive back home and Arnold the cat is sat in Annie's pansies. This was added to get that line of dialogue about the pansies somewhere else n the script, and also show off the robotic cat again.
Instead of the spaghetti bolognese chat, we have replaced it was a talk about Marie and how they blew their last chance with her. This gives the audience a chance to feel sorry for Annie & Dean and it clearly shows Annie's defeated emotions.
For Jordan Hamsay's lines, we have shortened them down, and now he only says "Son of a Biscuit" when he finished puking up the cookie. We think this is more effective and a lot funnier than what he said before.
The changes we have made to the script, I think, has made it a lot funnier and flows better. There are still some changes to be made after our next feedback session, but at this point I am happy with the development of our script.
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