We recently got more feedback from Simon about our fifth draft for the script.
One of the changes we really like, that Simon suggested was mentioning Jean Paul earlier on in the episode. We've already mentioned him in scene 11, but he thinks it will be funny to carry on Dean's slight obsession with him, so we need to mention him at some point in the trailer.
Within the trailer, there's a mention of Brian who is Annie & Dean's eldest son - Marie's brother - but upon Simon reading this he didn't understand who Brian is. We explained the situation, and he understood, but he didn't think there was any point in mentioning him in the pilot, since Marie is the main focus in the pilot.
Also in Scene 1, Marie says "leave me and my family alone" but to shorten this and make it less wordy it should just be "leave my family along". This brings it straight to the point and makes it sound a lot better and it flows better.
In scene 3, Marie has quite a lot of dialogue, and there's a particular part of dialogue that needs to be shortened to make it sound better. He suggested including a line that says something along the lines of "ordinary doesn't cut it" to make it straight to the point we are trying to make.
After Marie shuts them down in Scene 3, Simon think theres needs to be more time between Dean picking up the newspaper and them figuring out the solution to their problem. I have a slight concern with this due to page numbers. I don't want the teaser to be too long, but I also think this is a good element to have. Myself and Laura will have to sit down and see what we can add to give more time to that scene, but not make it too long.
Throughout the whole episode, we have this knowledge that Dean is receiving a letter, and at one point there's the mention of 'The Last Dish', but Simon thinks we should add the mention of this show somewhere else in the script, along with all the other mentions we have. This will make the audience understand more as to what it is and why Dean is always talking about it.
Along that topic, he thinks we should add little details of the show along the episode. For example; it might be a nice touch to see an advert for 'The Last Dish' on the TV during the living room scene, or a flyer lying around the house. That way the audience are aware of the character's obsession with the show. Also, maybe the film crew could wear t-shirts that have 'The Last Dish' logo on, to make it clear that they are part of that show, and to get straight to the point.
We are really happy with this feedback, and we feel as if our script will be mainly finished after these changes have been made, which is a really good feeling to have.
We showed Simon some other aspects of our project, like the test shoots, the title sequence so far, and the cast we have. He seems really happy with the development of everything, and we all think we will be done in time for the deadline, which is good.
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