Script
Simon liked the teaser scenes we added, but he thinks we need to make clear that Marie is married and has kids, otherwise, to the viewer, it just seems like Marie doesn't have a family. This can be done through the dialogue ever so briefly. He also wanted us to add in a few short and snappy exclamations in Marie's dialogue like; "DAD!" "MOM!" "NOT AGAIN!" By having this it clearly emphasises Marie's frustration with her parents, and creates more tension within the scene. There is one section in some of the action where it says Annie is yelling, and Simon thought this was too aggressive for Annie, which we all agreed on.
For the car scene, he said it needed to connect with the first scene a lot more. So he suggested having a short scene where Annie & Dean turn up at their parents house to apologise, but before they get to the door Marie tells them to go away. We could potentially write in the action, that you can see the children in the window or something along those lines to get the grandchildren element shown in the episode.
In terms of character, he thinks to start off with, Annie need to be seen as vulnerable and more like a realistic grandmother. This can easily be written into the teaser scenes. Then after the title sequence you see the change in the character, which is good in showing the development and the determination the characters have in wanting to see their children again.
He made clear that producing that conference room could be a challenge, but it's also doable. Laura needs to make sure she has the right amount of extras for this scene booked, and she needs to be confident that she can produce it. I think it will be a challenge but it's doable and it will be effective for the episode. We also mentioned that we first thought of using a lecture room for the first scene, but he didn't like that idea. Instead, he suggested using the project space room in the Rochester university campus. We all researched into this and thought it was a good idea, so it is up to Laura to organise that location booking.
Another point he made, was using the electronic device for the delivery man. This was something he mentioned in the previous tutorial we had, I had just forgotten to add it into the script, so that will be one of the first things we do when making the changes.
With the smart watch, he suggested we make it sound like it's a cheap knock off, to again emphasise their status and their want to becoming young. Along the same lines, we have decided to have Annie call the iPad and Instagram a different name. This will add to the comedy of the show and will emphasise the age of Annie, which is important in the story.
One thing he thought was, some of the scenes were too long, like the spagbol scene. We have made the decision to get rid of this scene, and turn it into something else, as it doesn't add anything to the story and it's a bit pointless.
Before Scene 10, he thinks there needs to be another scene, maybe where the couple are talking about the kids, or are looking/spying through Marie's house windows. It just needs to remind us of the journey they are on, and emphasise the problem that is surrounding the couple.
He liked how we added the TV crew into the script, but he feels as if the characters need to be defeated and almost want to give up with their journey, beforehand. We need to add in a few hurdles for them throughout the script, so they get to this defeated point before Jordan Hamsay's scene, which is where they feel more determined.
Speaking of that scene, he feels as if Jordan's lines need to be sharper and more to the point. This will add more space for improvement and will decrease the length of the script, which is something we need at this point. Also when Annie shouts "My Pansies!" he thinks we should add that somewhere else within the script to add to the comedy, so we will look through and see where this could fit in.
He suggested having a scene where Marie feels bad, so she comes back and apologises to them before seeing Jordan Hamsay throwing up. Jordan's last line with the "son of a biscuit" phrase needs to be cleverer and less wordy, and Marie's lines need to be punchier. He also suggested, to keep the grandchildren theme throughout, we have them looking through the car windows as Marie drives off.
We are all very happy with these changes, and myself and Laura will work on the script to make it sound better, and to make the story flow better.
Treatments
This feedback was brief as he didn't want us to focus on this too much but a few things he mentioned were:
- Don't worry about tiny specifics.
- Keep it brief.
- Needs to have a sense of the general tone, atmosphere.
- There needs to be a problem that's posed at the beginning of the episode.
- It all needs to link in with impressing the kids.
- As this is our main story throughout the whole series.
We are happy with this feedback and we work on these, but not too much as the script, and other documents for the book, are more important.
No comments:
Post a Comment